Understanding Boundaries: what they are and why they matter - especially now

A woman in a red jumper stands next to a christmas tree looking wistful

Boundaries are often spoken about as if they’re firm lines, but in day-to-day life they tend to be softer and more human than that. Most of us weren’t shown how to recognise our limits, let alone express them. In other cases our own boundaries were firmly ignored and bulldozed over with zero respect. Instead, we learned to keep the peace to avoid upsetting others. So the whole idea of boundaries can bring up guilt, fear or the sense that we’re doing something wrong. 

At their heart, boundaries are simply an honest awareness of where you end and someone else begins. They help you stay connected to yourself, even when life is noisy or demanding. They’re not selfish, they’re a way of protecting your emotional wellbeing so you can stay grounded and present.

As we approach the holiday season, this becomes especially important. For those of us who celebrate Christmas, the festive season brings complex family dynamics old roles and the pressure to be endlessly available. Even if relationships are generally good, there can be expectations to attend every gathering, play the same part you always played or absorb the needs of others without question. It’s no surprise that so many people feel tension, dread or a sense of being pulled in too many directions.

The early signs of needing a boundary often show up in the body. You might notice tightness in your chest, a sinking feeling when a plan is mentioned or your inner voice saying, “I can’t do all of this.” These signals aren’t you being awkward, it’s information. They’re invitations to pause and check in with yourself: What feels okay for me this year; what feels too much; what would help me feel steadier?

Setting boundaries at Christmas doesn’t have to mean stepping away from family, it usually means adjusting how you show up so you don’t lose yourself in the process. That might look like limiting the length of a visit, arranging to stay somewhere else, choosing one gathering instead of several, or stepping outside for breaks when things get intense. For some, it’s giving yourself permission not to take part in an activity that leaves you feeling overwhelmed.

Communicating these limits can feel hard, especially if your family expects you to be flexible or agreeable. It can help to keep things simple and steady. You might say, “I’d love to come, but only for a couple of hours,” or “I need a quieter Christmas this year, so I’m keeping things low-key.” You don’t need long explanations or permission: you’re allowed to prioritise your wellbeing.

If you have relatives who react strongly to boundaries, it’s worth remembering that their discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Often, people struggle with boundaries because they are used to you in a particular role and this change in your behaviour may take them by surprise. Holding your limit gently, without apologising for it, can help the dynamic shift over time.

Healthy boundaries often bring relief because they make space for an easier time and a gentler relationship with yourself. They remind you that you don’t have to perform or absorb everything. You can still be caring and connected while also honouring your limits.

If this feels difficult, you’re in good company. Many people learn boundaries slowly, especially in families where they were never modelled. Small steps count. Even one honest conversation or one choice that protects your energy can make Christmas feel a little lighter and more manageable.