When you can’t fully relax, even when things are seemingly ok
When you can’t fully relax, even when things are seemingly ok
Some people come to therapy saying, “Nothing is actually wrong, but I can’t seem to switch off.” Life might look stable from the outside: Work is manageable, relationships are intact, there is no immediate crisis. And yet the body stays tense, the mind keeps scanning, and you can’t switch your mind off especially with those never-ending ‘to-do’ lists.
This can be deeply unsettling. You may wonder why you feel anxious when things are supposedly fine. You might tell yourself you should be grateful, or that you are making a fuss out of nothing but anxiety like this is rarely about the present moment alone.
Often, this is what survival mode looks like once the danger has passed.
If you spent earlier parts of your life needing to stay alert, emotionally or physically, your nervous system may have learned that relaxing was not safe. Perhaps you grew up around unpredictability, emotional volatility, or responsibility that was too big for you at the time. Staying switched on may have been how you coped, how you stayed connected, or how you avoided things getting worse.
When this is the case, anxiety is not a sign that something is wrong now. It is a sign that your nervous system has not yet learned that it is allowed to stand down.
People in survival mode often describe feeling permanently braced. Sleep is light and interrupted, downtime feels restless rather than restorative - scrolling through your phone during your favourite show, anyone? Even moments of calm can feel uncomfortable, as if something is about to go wrong. You might notice a strong urge to stay busy or in control.
The fact is you can’t think your way out of trauma. If your body senses danger - perceived or otherwise - you’ll get a physical reaction. In therapy we do not try to force the body to relax. That can feel frightening or even destabilising. Instead, we work slowly, helping the nervous system recognise safety in small, manageable ways. We pay attention to how anxiety shows up, what it is responding to, and what it learned to protect you from. Then we work on resourcing yourself with techniques to regulate your nervous system so that your body knows it is safe
Over time, this can allow survival mode to soften. Not disappear entirely, but loosen its grip. Rest begins to feel more possible, calm becomes something you can choose.
If you recognise yourself in this, there is nothing broken about you. Your anxiety may be evidence of how much you have managed, adapted and survived. Therapy offers a space to help your system catch up with the reality that things are different now, at a pace that feels safe enough to trust.
