Why the same relationship patterns keep showing up

Concentric circle patterns

Many people come to therapy feeling frustrated and confused by their relationships. Different people, different circumstances, yet the same familiar feelings keep appearing. Do you find yourself feeling responsible or unseen? Over-giving and then quietly resenting it, promising yourself it will be different this time, only to end up back in a place that feels painful again.

If this resonates, you’re in the right place. This is rarely because you are choosing badly or not trying hard enough. Relationship patterns are usually learned early, long before we had much choice in the matter. They develop as ways of staying connected and safe in environments where our needs were not fully met.

If, for example, you learned that love came with responsibility, you might find yourself drawn to people who need a lot from you. If you learned that conflict led to withdrawal or rupture, you might become very good at keeping the peace, even when it costs you. These patterns are not flaws. As children we were very creative and resourceful so they were our solutions.

The difficulty is that what helped us cope earlier in life often becomes limiting later on. What once kept us connected can start to leave us feeling lost, anxious or disconnected from ourselves. You may notice that you struggle to name what you want, or that you feel guilty when you try to set boundaries. You might stay longer than is healthy, or leave abruptly when things feel too much.

In therapy, we do not try to get rid of these patterns or label them as wrong. Rather we slow them down and get curious about them. We look at where they came from, what they were protecting you from, and how they show up in your body, your thoughts and your relationships now.

This work is relational. What happens between us in the room often reflects what happens outside it and that gives us something real to work with. Over time, this can help you notice when an old pattern is being activated, rather than being swept along by it. Noticing creates choice, and choice creates space for something different to emerge.

Change here is often quiet and gradual. It might look like pausing before saying yes. Feeling discomfort without immediately fixing it. Letting someone else hold their own feelings without stepping in to fix them. These are small shifts, but they are meaningful because they signal a growing sense of Self that is not organised solely around other people.

If you recognise yourself in any of this, you are not broken; your patterns make sense. Therapy offers a place to understand them with care, and to begin relating in ways that feel more balanced and authentic: more you.